> PUT CPU IN VAX

God, 2023 went fast. It feels weird to think that in a few hours, it'll be the new year. I think in general, time is something that's hard to fathom or process for me. Just a few months ago, I finished up my masters degree and then I guess segued into 'proper' (this can be debated) adult life with a career. It's like the heaviest weight has been lifted when I think about the fact that I'm not obligated to step into a college again. But, the change has also been weird even if it's immensely gratifying. I love the work I do and (most) people I work with but also, I think I'm way more tired than usual. As 2023 comes to a close I want to think about all the accomplishments I've done but also thank all the wonderful friends I've made and people I've bonded with who have really given me the support I've needed to move forward. I know this sounds so Linkedin-post flavored bullshit but it's true. I've dealt with loss, some of the most stressful times of my life where I was too terrified to move forward, health problems, drama, the whole lot. I think I've been too tired and lazy too though. But I guess I've done /just enough/ to do well too; work comes first, every other obligation aside from basic needs comes after (maybe this isn't a great mentality but it works for me).

Because I feel kind of upset with this sense of laziness/indecisiveness, I want to resolve myself to do some more than this year (in which other things felt stagnant). I don't need to worry about my job. I already push myself there. But I definitely need to ignore my fears of mediocrity and be more consistent. This is useless info for the common man but I'm committing myself to at least do most of this before the end of 2024.

self-enlightenment
what a corny title. anyways, i've been given free resources, and I need to use them. I want to be a better offensive cyber specialist. Work will help with this but I need to get back into the nitty gritty again. My prior negative experiences in college drew me away from any interest I had, so I think it's time to get my ass back in gear and fiddle around with things I can legally mess with. I'll take some e-courses, finish off books I got from Humblebundle, and I need to be consistent with reading security articles and taking notes.

I also want to learn how to make proper PS1/PS2 models. This seems like a silly goal since I'm not even great at drawing, so it'll be a weird jump, especially when I only know how programs generate these models and basic CAD stuff, not really how to do anything complex. I need to complete a class on this and push myself in this regard so I can make cooler and better things.

I've committed myself to learning Russian but I've made meager progress. I can't communicate, just make out basic words. What good is knowing bullshit like the word snowman when you can't make small talk? I need to keep up daily practice, but maybe try Rosetta Stone or something like that and pray I can get better tutelage, if not, I'll take more e-courses and get the balls to call with native speakers. It's embarrassing but it's the only way I'll develop any skills.

I need to get better at writing and talk like a normal guy. Self isolation and also not taking any non-academic writing in the last three years has taken a toll on my grammar if I'm being honest. I need to learn how to write ideas down concisely and not sound like a rambling lunatic. So I think I should read more, drastically. Nonfiction and fiction. I gotta take some time each day to clear out the pile of books I have at my shelf.

Drawing is something that stresses me out even more than my work for whatever reason. Even if I know I'm better than average but still absolutely not great at it, I still have a complex where I have to work on things. Except everything looks sloppy. I need to do more studies, not just of Kogawa works or Hogarth, but looking at real people. I used to think that doing studies of band members is corny, but it's probably the best way of figuring out how to draw diverse features both realistically and stylized. So I guess you can expect some of that in the future. I also need to push myself to make more actual content of my original stuff I'm working on, because genuinely who is going to care if there is no content, no dialogue, no interactions. It's just a set of okay pictures you look at and move on. I gotta do something more.

I have too high standards for making a "first work" so most things I do never ever get finished. But I need to move past that belief and finally make something. I pray that by the summer I can get out a short mediocre Renpy kinetic story.

routines and small steps
Health-wise I'm not doing so great. This is both because of stress and other things, I've lost a lot of weight. So I think I need to get myself to care more about food and cook a bit more, get more carbs and protein etc etc, especially since I am doing sports again and I don't feel the same. I need to investigate to see if it's just my eating habits or if something else is wrong with me. But I definitely need to clear this up in order to get even enough energy to check off my goals. I want to get back into sports like I did years ago, build up my endurance, and be good enough to enter competitions again. I was there once, so I should be able to reach it again (I hope). Also, working long hours at a desk job is also taking a toll on my body. I need to take small breaks to walk around instead of zoning in at work all the time.

A while ago I thought I would have enough to say for weekly blogposts. I do, but I spill everything in an endless mass of stream-of-consciousness posting that frankly annoys people. I guess it's a habit that needs to change. I need to commit to writing something, whether it be stupid social commentary, a review of something I watched, some art I'm working on, story bits, music to share, whatever. It's true that not many will read it, but it's good to have something archived.

I thought I'd be able to do this earlier, but my life is too chaotic as of right now. I need to enroll in the volunteer aircraft repair group that's not too far away from me. It's an interest I've had for a few years now and I think it'll give me the experience I wanted for a while in terms of mechanic work.

I need to go out of my comfort zone and listen to even more music (full albums). Gotta brush up my RYM, add reviews, link things to people. I'm no expert in anything but it's good to share experiences.

I want to travel to at least one place outside the country before the end of 2024. I want to experience other cultures and eat good food and document the whole thing (how fucking corny). I think there is a lot of beauty in the world that needs to be experienced, and I think it will be better with friends.

In recent days I've picked up a terrible hobby (geoguessr). I have lofty goals but I absolutely want to get good, like championship good. It'll be a lot of time wasted but I have fun.

archiving
I promised earlier that I'd have vinyl and cassette rips, and then I had lots of issues with actually recording audio with my tape deck. That should be mostly resolved by now. In coming months I should be able to post rips of what I own, even if it truly is stupid (there's so many pre-existing rips of things on YouTube anyways)! But, I think each individual recording has something special about it, and maybe you'll think the same way. I especially want to get some recordings of my non-US vinyls and tapes.

In addition, I aim to work with some friends to get more scans/translations in. Unfortunately the lighting/camera setup at my house is not ideal. I might end up having to mail some books to people for better quality scans. Well, I at least aim to fund some translations for mecha content I enjoy (and hopefully some other people will too).


Good god this was a lot of rambling. Sorry for all that. Happy new years everyone.

given that i finally have a spot to put this somewhere, here's a heartfelt paragraph on that accursed space probe

The Voyager probes are humanity's greatest achievement. Not only did we reach out past the limits of our solar system, but we cried out to the universe to tell it that mankind exists. Or maybe that mankind existed.

We provided a record of our existence. That we're capable of death and destruction, but also creativity, love, and tradition, for better or for worse. We tried our best to encapsulate music and culture for the enjoyment of whatever else stumbles upon it. Perhaps it was a shot in the dark. Maybe, it will get crushed, turned to dust, or simply be regarded by others as trash. But it was an attempt at a kind of immortality, to trace the word with our fingertips. None of us know how many cultures and civilizations crumbled before us. I'm sure that other civilizations tried their hardest to quantify events and science and things they loved, but so much of it has been wiped. Even in recent years, so much information has been lost and now there seems to be a path paved for more of it to vanish. Who says that all record of our existence won't be lost? Maybe it is selfish to think that we are so important, when in fact any changes we make in the grand scheme of the universe has no cosmic effect on anything at all. But what if we really are the only ones? There's no way for us to know really. By extending our hand to the great unknown we showed it the heartbeat of the world. The Earth's heart may stop but its memory is preserved there.